Board Of Metal

1971 – Ozzy Osbourne utters his last coherent sentence to date, a request to a Birmingham, England barmaid to "gi’ us fawa mo’ pints, an’ couldn’t ye take oot the tits fuh the lads, then?"

1974 – Burke Shelley of Budgie promises his then-girlfriend that no matter what lofty heights of stardom his band may take him to, he’ll remain faithful and true. He then borrows twenty quid, a sum that, as of last week, he has not yet paid back.

1980 – Gene Simmons is persuaded that Kiss Meets Abbott and Costello is not a necessary or appropriate sequel to Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park, considering that Bud Abbott and Lou Costello are dead.

1982 – The International Olympic Committee sends a form letter to Exodus vocalist Paul Baloff’s house, thanking him for his many appeals, but flatly refusing to consider "faggot-ass-poseur-smashing" as a sanctioned sport in 1984’s games.


1983 - A young Peter Steele sets into motion an intricate twelve-year scheme to let women know, despite his ghoulish ugliness, that he sports a cock like a Louisville Slugger. Music is involved in the plan somewhere.

1984 – Vince Neil kills "Razzle" Dingley of Hanoi Rocks in a drunken driving accident, causing permanent brain damage to one other woman and seriously hurting another innocent victim. Hundreds of Motley Crue fans would duplicate this feat on highways across America in the following years; however, only Neil is known to have gotten away with a mere thirty days in jail for it.

1985 – Anthrax releases Spreading the Disease. Armored Saint delivers Delirious Nomad within two weeks, and upon hearing the record, a young Charlie Benante is heard to scoff at what a lame fag the band’s singer is.


1986 – Yngwie Malmsteen undergoes several risky, painful operations to have the absolute very last bit of rockin’ removed from his body. He later replenishes the now-empty cavities with fried chicken and Twinkies.

1987 – A coke-addled Dave Mustaine calls up members of Hirax, Virus, Genocide Nippon and even Masi to fire them from Megadeth without ever having hired them. Several members of Virus actually end up with severance checks from Capitol Records, which are quickly cashed and spent on mini-thins and new amps.


1988 – This picture was not taken of four guys who were not in Pantera and did not record any albums prior to Cowboys From Hell, especially albums with Judas-Priest-only-wussy songs about riding rockets. No shit.

1989 – The world begins the long, slow process of coming to grips with the fact that "rokken like Dokken" is not necessarily a good thing.

1990 – Dave Mustaine, clean and sober for five months, discovers the secret Sixth-and-a-half Step of his Twelve Step program, the one where you become a sanctimonious, self-righteous prick bedazzled by the sound of your own guitar playing and insanely obsessed with being taken seriously.

1991 – Sepultura release Arise, an awe-inspiring testament to the everlasting bond between band members united for the rest of their lives in a common struggle and unwilling to let any external force, no matter how great, tear them apart. In an unrelated move, the band retains manager Gloria Bujnowski.


1992 – Former Dead Kennedys frontman Jello Biafra discovers and signs Wesley Willis, a mentally challenged street performer whose act consists of making up impromptu lyrics to his Casio keyboard’s demonstration song. It is thus proven that, like everyone else, even the most liberal, populist, power-to-the-people punk icon likes to laugh at retards.

1993 – Progressive metal band Anacrusis calls it quits despite having a rabid, fanatical, devoted fanbase named Keith Bergman.

1994 - Noting the decline in hard rock and the rise of grunge, a frugal Skid Row modifies their concert rider, stipulating that at least 50% of all backstage whores must be in to-go containers and double as Chinese food and/or guitar techs.

1995 – Nirvana’s fallen leader is immortalized in "Kurt Go-bang" jokes by a growing legion of bitter, jealous hair metal casualties making their way back into the minimum-wage workforce after terminated major-label contracts.


1996 – Ozzy Osbourne releases Ozzmosis, an album that inspires longing in his fans for the lyrical depth and Shakespearean wordcraft of "Mister Tinker Train."

1997 – Chris Barnes attempts one last time to communicate with his estranged bandmates in Cannibal Corpse before turning Six Feet Under into a full-time band. However, his monosyllabic grunting proves as indecipherable to them as it did to the Taco Bell drive-through guy the week before, and no agreement can be reached.


1998 – Skinlab’s Steev Esquivel sees his feet for the last time.

1999 – Iron Maiden reunite with vocalist Bruce Dickinson, despite the fact that everything was absolutely perfect and fine with replacement Blaze Bayley, and the fans loved every second of it, and the sales were strong, and the live shows were great, and everything was just hunky-dory, and is more so now, even though it was just wonderful before. In an unrelated event, bassist Steve Harris ends five years of plugging his ears and yelling "la la la, can’t hear ya mates."


2000 – Dismal Euphony’s Python Zero is released, destroying forever the cherished belief that tits = record sales in underground metal.

2001 – Ozzy Osbourne releases Down to Earth, a record that makes diehard fans sorry they said anything about Ozzmosis. The album is delayed while producers work feverishly to make sure enough self-referential songs about the long, hard road of Ozzy’s public life are included.


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