30 Facts about Chuck Norris

[Necrophiliac]

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian chicks.

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

22. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

26. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

30. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

[Seraphistus]

Chuck Norris ?... lebt der noch ? :ugsm:

[malde]

omfg wie geil

letzter auftritt im kino als juror bei dodgeball glaub ich oder? ^^

[Hackfleisch]

(hab noch nie nen Film mit dem laenger als 5 Minuten gesehen )

[xHOLLOWx]

der typ is trash pur

[DasThiem]

27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

hilarious :rofl:

[braindad]

echt gut!

[dorftrottel]

30 Facts about Vin Diesel
Der kann das auch

1. Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.


2. Vin Diesel can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.


3. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.


4. If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."


5. Even Vin Diesel doesn't know why no fact has a rating of 9 or above.


6. There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.


7. When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.


8. Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.


9. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.


10. Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.


11. Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.


12. Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.


13. Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.


14. When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.


15. Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.


16. Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.


17. If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for pussies." then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.


18. Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.


19. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.


20. When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.


21. Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.


22. On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.


23. You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.


24. When Vin Diesel runs with scissors, other people get hurt.


25. In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.


26. Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the Acrtic researchers.


27. Vin Diesel can divide by zero.


28. Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.


29. During a stay at Neverland Ranch in the 80's, Vin Diesel was awoken by Michael Jackson who was trying to sneak into his bed. Vin punched Jackson so hard that he knocked the black right off of him.


30. Whenever Vin Diesel puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno erupts behind him.

[braindad]

der diesel hat nur nicht so viel stil und kult wie der alterwuerdige chuck

[malde]

aber ich musste mindestens genauso lachen wie beim chucky ^^ :rofl:

[DasThiem]

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

Grossartig! Gibtsda noch mehr von? Steven Segal? Schwarzenegger? Van Damme?

[elSalvadore]

22. On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

[malde]

und weils so schoen ist hab ich auch gleich nochmal Mr. T aufbereitet:

1. Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

2. Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

3. Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

4. Despite popular belief, Mr. T in fact ended the civil rights movement by getting on a bus....all caucasian people moved to the back.

5. Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

6. Mr. T once shook hands with Chuck Norris, or so it appeared, in actuality, their combined power caused an earthquake, which gave their hands a look of shaking to any onlookers, who were probably too scared to accurately testify anyway.

7. On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.

8. Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

9. 23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

10. Mr. T once bit off more than he could chew. He ate it anyway.

11. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

12. Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.

13. Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

14. Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

15. Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.

16. Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

17. Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

18. Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.

19. Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.

20. Mr. T once rocked the Casbah. Which explains why there is no longer a Casbah.

21. The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

22. It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.

23. On all 3428 instances it occured, when Mr. T and Chuck Norris both 'deflower' the same woman, the resulting spermal battles have caused the woman's uterus to explode in a flurry of pity and roundhouse kicks.

24. Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

25. Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

26. Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

27. You have only seen Mr. T in human form. In Narnia, he is a T. Rex with a lion's tail hanging out of his mouth.

28. Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.

29. Mr. T was originally cast to play Arnold Jackson on Diff'rent Strokes. Unfortunately every time he said, "whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Willis shit himself.

30. The top 3 causes of death in this country are Heart Disease, Cancer and Mr. T ripping out your soul.

[braindad]

22. It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.

[elSalvadore]

5. Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.
9. 23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
16. Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

:rofl: alter ich kann nimmer