A Look back in Metal History

[devastator]

1991 – Sepultura release Arise, an awe-inspiring testament to the everlasting bond between band members united for the rest of their lives in a common struggle and unwilling to let any external force, no matter how great, tear them apart. In an unrelated move, the band retains manager Gloria Bujnowski.


1992 – Former Dead Kennedys frontman Jello Biafra discovers and signs Wesley Willis, a mentally challenged street performer whose act consists of making up impromptu lyrics to his Casio keyboard’s demonstration song. It is thus proven that, like everyone else, even the most liberal, populist, power-to-the-people punk icon likes to laugh at retards.

1993 – Progressive metal band Anacrusis calls it quits despite having a rabid, fanatical, devoted fanbase named Keith Bergman.

1994 - Noting the decline in hard rock and the rise of grunge, a frugal Skid Row modifies their concert rider, stipulating that at least 50% of all backstage whores must be in to-go containers and double as Chinese food and/or guitar techs.

1995 – Nirvana’s fallen leader is immortalized in "Kurt Go-bang" jokes by a growing legion of bitter, jealous hair metal casualties making their way back into the minimum-wage workforce after terminated major-label contracts.


1996 – Ozzy Osbourne releases Ozzmosis, an album that inspires longing in his fans for the lyrical depth and Shakespearean wordcraft of "Mister Tinker Train."

1997 – Chris Barnes attempts one last time to communicate with his estranged bandmates in Cannibal Corpse before turning Six Feet Under into a full-time band. However, his monosyllabic grunting proves as indecipherable to them as it did to the Taco Bell drive-through guy the week before, and no agreement can be reached.


1998 – Skinlab’s Steev Esquivel sees his feet for the last time.

1999 – Iron Maiden reunite with vocalist Bruce Dickinson, despite the fact that everything was absolutely perfect and fine with replacement Blaze Bayley, and the fans loved every second of it, and the sales were strong, and the live shows were great, and everything was just hunky-dory, and is more so now, even though it was just wonderful before. In an unrelated event, bassist Steve Harris ends five years of plugging his ears and yelling "la la la, can’t hear ya mates."


2000 – Dismal Euphony’s Python Zero is released, destroying forever the cherished belief that tits = record sales in underground metal.

2001 – Ozzy Osbourne releases Down to Earth, a record that makes diehard fans sorry they said anything about Ozzmosis. The album is delayed while producers work feverishly to make sure enough self-referential songs about the long, hard road of Ozzy’s public life are included.


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